In the fast-paced world of modern relationships, where work, family, and personal goals often compete for attention,Couples maintaining a strong and lasting partnership can feel like a challenge. However, recent insights from couples therapists across the United States point to a simple yet powerful practice that can transform relationships: turning toward small bids for connection. This concept, rooted in decades of research, emphasizes the importance of responding to everyday moments when partners seek attention, affection, or acknowledgment. By embracing these small gestures, couples can foster emotional safety, deepen intimacy, and build relationships that stand the test of time.
A bid for connection is any attempt by one partner to engage the other, whether through words, actions, or even subtle gestures. These bids can be as simple as a partner saying, “Look at this funny video,” sharing a story about their day, or even letting out a quiet sigh while gazing out a window. According to renowned couples therapist Jeff Guenther, who recently shared his expertise in an Instagram video, these moments are not about grand gestures like weekly date nights or mastering each other’s love languages. Instead, they are the small, often overlooked interactions that carry immense emotional weight. Guenther, backed by the Gottman Institute’s decades of research, explains that couples who thrive consistently respond to these bids by engaging positively, even when life gets busy. Hindustan Times
The Gottman Institute, a leading authority on relationship research, found that couples who stay together respond positively to bids for connection 86% of the time, while those who later divorce only do so 33% of the time. Melina Alden, MA, LMFT This stark contrast highlights how small, intentional responses can create a strong emotional foundation for a relationship.
When a partner makes a bid for connection, they are essentially saying, “I want to feel closer to you.” How the other partner responds can either strengthen or weaken the relationship’s emotional bond. Couples have three choices when faced with a bid: turn toward, turn away, or turn against. Turning toward means acknowledging and engaging with the bid, such as laughing at a shared joke or asking follow-up questions about a partner’s story. Turning away involves ignoring the bid, perhaps by staying glued to a phone or not responding at all. Turning against is responding with irritation or dismissal, which can make a partner feel rejected.
Dr. John Gottman, co-founder of the Gottman Institute, emphasizes that turning toward bids creates an “emotional reserve” that helps couples navigate challenges. For example, a couple in Seattle who attended couples therapy learned to recognize bids like a partner’s request to discuss a stressful workday. By pausing to listen and offer support, they built a sense of trust and safety that carried them through tougher times. Therapists across the U.S., from Santa Monica to Washington, D.C., report similar success stories, where couples who prioritize these small moments experience greater satisfaction and resilience in their relationships.
Emotional safety is the cornerstone of a lasting relationship, and responding to bids for connection is a key way to build it. When partners consistently turn toward each other, they create an environment where both feel valued and understood. This sense of security allows couples to weather conflicts, from minor disagreements to major life changes, without fear of disconnection.
Rachel Glik, a licensed professional counselor with over 30 years of experience, notes that couples who feel emotionally secure use reassuring communication during tense moments. For instance, instead of criticizing a partner for forgetting a chore, a secure couple might pause and approach the issue with curiosity, asking, “What happened today?” This approach, Glik explains, prevents escalation and fosters mutual respect. CNBC Her insights align with the Gottman Institute’s findings that excessive criticism or contempt—often the result of turning away or against bids—can erode relationships and increase the likelihood of separation. Today
A recent article from Hindustan Times highlighted Guenther’s perspective, noting that responding to bids is more impactful than traditional relationship advice like planning date nights. This shift in focus resonates with couples in the U.S., where busy schedules often make grand gestures impractical. Instead, small, consistent acts of attention—like putting down a phone to listen or offering a warm smile—can make a partner feel seen and valued.
For couples looking to strengthen their relationship, incorporating the habit of turning toward bids is both accessible and transformative. Here are a few practical tips from U.S.-based therapists:
The power of turning toward bids is evident in real-life stories from couples across the U.S. Jemma, a graduate student in Washington state, shared in a HuffPost article that therapy helped her and her partner, Luis, recognize bids they were missing. By learning to pause before reacting and engage with each other’s small gestures—like Luis sharing a funny work story—they strengthened their bond. Similarly, a New York couple who attended a sexual wellness retreat in the Berkshires reported that practicing bids, such as holding hands during a walk, rekindled their intimacy. The New York Times
Even high-profile therapists like Terry Real, whose clients include celebrities, emphasize the universal need for these small connections. In a New York Times feature, Real explained that the rhythm of relationships involves harmony, disruption, and repair. Turning toward bids helps couples move from disruption to repair, creating a cycle of closeness that sustains long-term partnerships. The New York Times
Despite its simplicity, turning toward bids can be challenging, especially for couples dealing with stress or unresolved issues. Some mistakenly believe that only big gestures matter, overlooking the cumulative impact of small moments. Others may struggle with self-awareness, as noted by therapist Amalya Tagakchyan, who told DailyMail.com that unhealed wounds from past relationships can lead to turning away or against bids. Therapy can help address these barriers, offering tools to replace criticism with curiosity and defensiveness with openness. Daily Mail
Another misconception is that couples therapy signals a failing relationship. Dr. Matthew Siblo counters this, noting that therapy is now a proactive step for many U.S. couples, with nearly 30% of UK therapists reporting similar trends. By normalizing therapy and focusing on bids, couples can prevent small issues from becoming insurmountable.
In a world where relationships are tested by busy schedules, differing priorities, and inevitable conflicts, turning toward small bids for connection offers a practical and research-backed path to emotional safety and longevity. By responding to a partner’s attempts to connect—whether through a shared laugh, a listening ear, or a warm gesture—couples can create a resilient bond that thrives through life’s ups and downs.
As therapists like Jeff Guenther and Rachel Glik remind us, it’s not about perfection but consistency. Couples across the U.S. are discovering that these small, intentional acts of connection are the key to a safe and lasting relationship, proving that love is built one moment at a time.
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